May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have Yet another position where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Anyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception Trump Tower Damascus is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is already attracting interest from Worldwide traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will likely include:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have change-down services."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You might be welcome."

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